Overcoming the Barriers of Strong Personality Preferences in Building Relationships
Admittedly, yesterday’s blog focus was all about resisting pressure to change and the virtues of staying true to yourself (check it out here). Everything in moderation, right? Well, what about when people aren’t flexible? Like, at all! That’s not helpful either, is it? We have lots of relationship potential in our lives—from our friends, to interests in affection, to workplace camaraderie, to… you name it. We’ll get into rigidity of preferences within our communicated influences and how that plays out in building and maintaining relationships.
When we think about relationships and how they develop, one core element stands out: adaptability. Our natural preferences for communication and influence behaviors shape how we interact with others, but when these preferences are held too rigidly, they can become barriers to healthy relational growth. Understanding our authentic selves, as outlined in the Authentic Behavior Contrast model, involves knowing how we align within the 4 directions (Forward, Reserved, Practical, Interpersonal) and to the 5 main types (Harmonic, Empathic, Autocratic, Dynamic, Static). However, understanding is just the beginning; true growth comes from if & how we choose to use this knowledge.
The Pitfalls of Rigidity in Preferences for our Communication and Influence
Each of us has default ways of expressing ourselves and influencing others. For example, a Forward type tends to take charge, initiate conversations, and make decisions quickly. While this is a strength, it can harm relationships if not balanced with patience and listening. Being too decisive or assertive without considering the needs of others can leave partners or colleagues feeling overlooked or bulldozed. On the flip side, a Reserved type may approach situations with caution, taking time to think things through and observe before acting. While this careful approach can be thoughtful and insightful, when held rigidly, it can come across as disengagement or emotional distance, preventing deep connection.
The Practical type focuses on logic, facts, and structured approaches. This can be essential for problem-solving and long-term planning, but if adhered to too strictly, it can come off as cold or unsympathetic, harming relationships that require empathy and emotional presence. Contrastingly, the Interpersonal type values connection, support, and shared experiences. While nurturing, an unchecked interpersonal preference may result in overextending oneself or struggling to set boundaries, potentially fostering resentment or even dependency.
Navigating Differences: The Importance of Adaptability
Understanding your place within the ABContrast model’s accurate personality testing and behavioral assessment can shed light on why certain behaviors come more naturally to you than others. However, understanding is not about justifying rigid behavior but rather equipping yourself with options. Knowing that you have a tendency to be more Autocratic (forward and practical) or Empathic (reserved and interpersonal) should inform how you adapt your approach to others’ needs, not lock you into a fixed pattern of behavior. When preferences are wielded without consideration of others, relationships can suffer. But there’s potential for big victories when rigidity makes way for balance!
Each relationship calls for a nuanced blend of behaviors, and it’s important to be able to look past your preferences to what the other person may need. A partner who is more Dynamic (forward and interpersonal) feels energized by lively discussions and fast-paced feedback and needs rather direct engagement from you and collaborative brainstorming. But if their counterpart leans Static (reserved and practical), an insistence on engaging in that same manner can be overwhelming because they appreciate more time and space away from others to process ideas on their own terms. But… the Dynamic gets it right back, as a Static individual who insists on maintaining strict routines and procedures may unintentionally stifle the enthusiasm or spontaneity that a Dynamic type thrives on. Both approaches, when wielded without flexibility, can create friction.
Harmful Consequences of Fixation
Sticking rigidly to your preferred style of communication and influence can send subtle messages that impede relational development. Here are a few ways this can manifest:
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- For Forward types: An unwavering insistence on pushing forward or taking the lead can signal to others that their opinions or contributions are undervalued.
- For Reserved types: Always holding back or staying cautious might give the impression that you’re uninterested or unwilling to invest emotionally.
- For Practical types: Relying solely on facts and efficiency can make emotional and creative partners feel disconnected or dismissed.
- For Interpersonal types: Constantly prioritizing social harmony and emotional involvement may lead others to question your boundaries or feel smothered.
These behaviors can strain relationships and prevent deeper trust from forming. The more someone perceives your actions as automatic or inflexible, the harder it is for them to connect authentically with you.
Healthy Growth: Balancing Preferences with Situational Awareness
Embracing your authentic preferences doesn’t mean becoming fixed in your ways. Instead, it should empower you to expand your toolkit for different situations. For example, if you know you’re a Forward thinker, practice listening more intentionally in situations where someone else might need to take the lead. If you’re naturally Reserved in socialization, challenge yourself to engage more openly when the moment calls for it. The goal is to harness your strengths while understanding when a different approach is necessary.
Each person you encounter will need something different from you. Some will respond best to your natural tendencies, while others will require you to shift your approach. Understanding this variability and being willing to step out of your comfort zone, even in small ways, is the key to fostering deeper, healthier connections. You can still be authentic to who you are without sacrificing the flexibility that great relationships will require.
The Takeaway: Understanding, Not Fixation
An understanding of the ABContrast model helps identify where you lean in communication and influence, but it is the mindful application of this insight that enriches relationships. Your preferences should provide clarity and options, not create a box you cannot step out of. True relational growth happens when you honor your natural tendencies while adapting them thoughtfully to the needs of those around you.
Relational success lies not in rigidly applying your strongest tendencies but in striking a balance that considers and values the differences others bring to the table. By allowing yourself the flexibility to adjust, you enhance not just your relationships but your own growth and fulfillment. Sounds like a win-win to us!
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